I ordered Aggie a monogramed back pack and lunch bag today. It was 30% off after all, and I was just instructed by a women who will be her teacher come January on my way out the door, "oh and she will need a back pack, not one of those little cute ones either, a real one that we can transport stuff back and forth in". Me a deer in head lights; as I'm leaving this very sobering picture; thought "yes ma'am". So I obeyed.
We toured 2 schools for Aggie this week. We were told that our county had 2 programs available that would have a class to "fit her needs". One was at a charter school about 10 min. from our home and the other a public elementary school about 20 min. from the house. We visited the charter school on Wednesday and the other on Thursday.
The charter school was nice, but we had some concerns that it didn't really have all that it might need to accommodate a child like Aggie. There were certainly no other children like her in attendance there presently. Though they were willing to be accommodating; there were some very practical things that just didn't fit. For example the hallways and room sizes were so small that if/when Aggie needs an assistive device for mobility she would have no way to maneuver. The children played outside every morning, but there really wasn't a safe clean place for a crawling child to play outside. All 3 therapy services were available, which is a huge priority for us. How would Aggie fit into this scene?
Thursday we visited the public school. We are acquainted with the principal there; our church meets in this building every Sunday; so the building was also familiar. We were much more satisfied with the things we saw and learned this day. To name a few; we walked down a broad hallway with one wall lined with assistive devices for small children. Turned right to enter a large class room. There were 5 children present, one absent, and each child had an adult working with them. In the classroom was the teacher, 2 aids, and therapists coming and going. I could tell upon entering the room that when this building was designed, this room was created specially for the small, uniquely constructed people that would fill it. The teacher reminded me of one of my relatives; an older middle aged women; stern, but caring. She reminded me of a young grandmother who would give her grandkids treats, but with temperance. Loving them, yet keeping in mind the greater good. She was forward, which I most generally always appreciate. She has many years of experience in her field, and has from what I could find out, a good reputation. The classroom had a variety of children with special needs. Aggie wasn't specifically like any of them, but none of them were especially like another either, but each were being cared for in a specific way that would challenge them yet allow for comfort as well. It was clear to us that they would be a better fit for Aggie. She will be able to receive OT and PT twice a week and speech 4 times a week, all with-in the classroom, which is our preference to guard against any potential abuse or neglect, one of my biggest concerns. This has been one of our main reasons for exploring this option for Aggie, as running her to therapy sessions throughout the week and maintaining my other responsibilities has been very difficult, and with Salem's expected arrival any day now......... We thought it would be wise to seek out other resources.
The Audiologist at the school asked me as we were leaving if I was excited. I stated "I've never had to send a child to school, so it seems really odd that I would be sending my smallest most venerable one. Though I see the resources available to her here, and think it will be good, I am still a little apprehensive about it." And that was a very collected way to say I am anxious and struggling with fear. The mom in me is grappling for control, my pride says I can do it, i just need to dig deeper. I can provide for all her needs. But I am well aware that is just not true. I feel much like I imagine a fighter pilot in training. They practice procedures that intentionally cause the aircraft to "depart" so they have to learn how to get an aircraft spiraling toward the ground under control again and what the safe limits for the plane are. This way when they are in battle, they know how to max perform their machine, push it to it's limits without having such an incident. Pushing it beyond it's comfortable boundary makes the pilot acquainted with how close they can get to that boundary safely. The last two years of my life I've been pushed to "depart" and had to regain control in a downward spiral. In my humanness I have and am aware of my limitations, especially the area of motherhood.
One of the many ways the Lord has used Aggie in my life as a mother is to confront pride in my heart. As a mom I often think that i know what is best for each of my children, and that I am the best and only person that is to provide it. The Lord has used her to shake me and say "NO, I am the best, give them to me, I am their provider". He has provided many opportunities in Aggies life for me to practice this in faith, as I hand her over for surgeries, medical appointments, and therapy sessions. I have had may opportunities to lay her at His feet, and turn walk away and say, "Lord I know you are best, please pick her up and hold her close to your chest, she needs you". And time and time again, He has done just that. I see this opportunity for school to be yet another time for me give her into His care. It hurts my pride, my mommy heart aches, yet I do know and trust this is what is best for her right now.
