It's time to be real, honest and vulnerable.... In story form, my best way of communicating.. So read on about fear grace and redemption in my own life.
It all started a few years ago, I suppose it started long before that, but for this narrative we'll say a few years ago. We were praying for a woman who had lost an infant to SIDS... How terrible i would think, my heart ached for her. We were not just praying for her peace and comfort, but this women was struggling in her faith. Tempted to fall away from Christ not understanding how such a dreadful thing could have happened to her baby? In my heart I fully understood her struggle, it doesn't mean it's right, but I could relate with her. I had prideful thoughts like "if God ever messed with my babies I don't know if I could pull through in my own faith". After all my children were so dear to me. I loved them so much it ached to empathize with this situation. And that was the root of my fear... "Lord if something terrible, unusual or painful happened to MY children....would you keep me, would I still be yours?"
When I became pregnant with Aggie all was normal at first, a couple moves, a late working husband, nothing too outstanding. Pressing on. But as my pregnancy progressed I became aware of something different, it wasn't fear.... God's spirit prompted me to pray for Aggie, ...... for her healing........ even then in my womb... When we chose her name Aggie Rae, I knew something was going to be different about her. I would plead with God to remove this burden from me at times. When Aggie was born, and all seemed to be so "normal" with her I was almost surprised. She nursed well, did other normal newborn things and we headed home from the hospital in a timely manner. It wasn't until she was a few months old and not meeting developmental milestones that all my thoughts and struggles came flooding back. I would sit in her room nursing her, praying yet again for God's healing touch in her body. One night I specifically remember prior to any diagnosis, knowing something was wrong in her head... I pleaded fervently for the Lord to repair any damage.... essentially asking Him to remove this "cup" from me. In 1 Pe 5:6-11 Gods word told me what to do, humble myself and cast my anxieties on Him, who cares for me. And so my casting begun. I had to say "ok Lord I lay her at your feet to care for, she is yours, she was a gift to me to watch over for a short time here on earth, but she belongs to you, and I know you, her creator, will take good care of her." A few months after that Aggies brain damage was confirmed via MRI, about a month prior her hearing loss was also confirmed. Once we had all this medical information I found myself wondering.... what does this mean for her life. I was longing for a list of things she will and will not be able to do. But no such thing exists, and no Dr. wants to give it a shot. Because the truth is everyone's body responds differently to these situations. As I grappled with the unknown being given to fear and disappointed hopes for my little one, I found myself again crying out to my God and laying her at His feet for His great care. This past week has been another reflection of that sin lurking in my heart, the worry and fear is truly my pride saying, God I can handle this situation better than you. I need to figure this out and make it happen the right way. I care about my circumstances more than you do.... My attitude of worry communicated these things to the creator of the universe, my creator, Aggies creator. I was thinking how long do we need this feeding tube? What if she needs it the rest of her life? Will she ever eat normally again? Lord I do not want this for her! I had to repent of my sinful worry, knowing that God knows best and that "after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1Pe 5:10-11 Aggie may never overcome her physical limitations here on earth, that's why our eternal soul is such a treasure. Our life here is "for a little while" it is "a vapor", but the life to come is eternal, never ending..... That is where our hope for Aggie is, that's where my hope is, it is in heaven with Christ my redeemer and savior. Many people have said things like " I don't know how you are doing as good as you are?" Or some question the goodness of God when they see hard circumstances. But the truth is when God created man in the garden all was perfect and right, no disease, no sickness, no sin. Until "the fall of man" when Adam and Eve disobeyed God sin came into the world and our punishment of death accompanied by sickness and famine. This is why Aggie was born the way she was, she was born into a fallen world, not Eden. Psalm 139 says clearly that " God formed Aggies inward parts, and knitted her together in my womb. She is wonderfully made." God knew what He was doing when He created Aggie and placed her in our home. He is sovereign over all things. But it doesn't end here. God made a way out of this fallen, sinful world. If we place our faith in Christ by the help of His spirit we can overcome death through Christ and live eternally in heaven with Him. And this is "how I've been doing it". Instead of falling away from my faith (which was my biggest fear), my faith has been strengthened as my savior Christ has given me faith when I had none. He has been my sufficiency when I am lacking. And holds me up when I am falling... HE has kept me! I am HIS.
