Women's Conference

I was blessed to be able to attend the 2012 Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando, FL last weekend.  It was certainly a refreshment for my soul. Though it was packed with so much good teaching I felt as if I were drinking from a fire hose.  I think they said if we had attended every session possible through the weekend there would have been 19 in all.  I think I missed 4?

I've really been struggling in my faith the last few months. I am certain it was magnified by early pregnancy hormones, which made many things difficult for me to decipher.  I often felt myself feeling overwhelmed in my life and circumstances.  And the thought that the Lord had seen fit to add another child to an already overwhelming life seemed nearly more than I could bear.  Thinking though the logistics of being married to a man with long work hours, and minimal hours at home for meals let alone help of any kind.  Thinking of grocery store trips with 4 children, and the possibility of two of them not being able to walk, at a minimum not walk well enough to zoom through the store at the rate I often do. I thought of the fact that though I have not had an uninterrupted night of rest in over 2 years, my 24 hour schedule was going to be filling up even more with another little one in the house..... but how tired I already am.  I sometimes get the "I don't know how you do it?" question from those close to me that know the fullness of the schedule we keep.  For that matter, I often get if from others as well that only know a fraction of it, and think to myself 'if you only knew'.  The answer to that question is of course, the Lord is sustaining me and giving me grace one step at a time. But I often thought in agreement with their thinking in those times,...... 'I'm not really sure how i'm doing it?'.  I've had some days where I was overcome with sadness and tears as I dealt with fear and doubt in my heart.  I began to think that the rest of my life would only be filled with an unmanageable work load, hard circumstances and sorrow.  I've been battling depression I think.  I was unable to see the good in anything, and felt the preverbal dark cloud over me all day and night.

When Mike and I went to Colorado I of course took my sin with me, it does after all dwell with in my heart.  I also took a book with me called "Surrender", knowing that my thoughts and heart were not joyfully accepting the circumstances God had willed in my life.  The book walked me through something I did not anticipate.  The surrender of sleep.....  I always thought of sleep as a basic human need, and in some ways it is, but if God is calling me to a life that does not abundantly supply me with this "need" then I should surrender it knowing that He provides for ALL my needs.

At the conference last weekend, God lovingly reminded me more about Himself and His ability to redeem.  I did not doubt His ability to redeem lost souls, after all He has been gracious to me in this. The redemption I was doubting was His ability to redeem circumstances..... my circumstances.  It is true that the rest of my life may look very much like it does presently and the only redemption I may have to gaze upon is in eternity?  But it is possible that the Lord may have some blessing for me in this life, that my present circumstances could be redeemed for good.  As we looked at different faucets of God and His ability to redeem through different attributes of His character He did a redeeming work in my heart.  He softened my hard heart and increased my faith that I certainly have a hope in heaven, but not all hope here on earth is to be lost either.  He is my redeemer.